the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
