Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
