Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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