His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
