Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
