I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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