My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
