so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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