quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
