god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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