Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
