Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
