That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize