Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
