Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
