Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
