I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
