hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
