This dress was meant to end up on your floor
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
