Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
