I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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