how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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