If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
