i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
50% drunk capacity currently
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
