i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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