Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
