it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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