I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize