I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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