Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
