D3 body, D1 cock
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
