Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize