she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
