There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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