so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You dont lie about slip and slides
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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