I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
