His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
