You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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