note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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