you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
