genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Less talking, more tequila
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I wish there were birth control emojis
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
