stop calling my apartment porn island.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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