6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
