Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize