It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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