at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
