my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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