On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
