Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
