We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
