Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
