If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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