Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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