When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
