Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize