You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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