come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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