just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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