He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
