he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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